I posted this list at the end of last year and caught a little flack for it. I never intended to be a jerk and spent too much time working on it not to post it here. So here she is in all her splendid glory.
Well folks the early list for 2014 is out! Please remember that this is not the entire list but simply a few chosen entries that tickled me so. This year’s Island of Man conference was held at a undisclosed private location just off the Texas coast.
This is only the second time I have had the opportunity to attend since the meetings got started back in 97. I had a blast and there are a bunch of people that I would like to thank but I will address them in a separate post.
When I received my cryptic letter from Bruce I immediately knew this year’s festivities would top all. The first few lines simply read: Gird up your loins for the struggle for the way back to mandom is long and arduous. Pleasure, all smiles, beckon you on one hand, while the nine sisters of grief beg your retreat on the other. Take refuge on the island of Man this weekend only, and prepare yourself to charge once more into that great breach!!
I knew I was in for an adventure and that is just what I got. I don’t want to bore you with all the needless details, the reason for this writing is after all, the list. For those of you who have never heard of it now is your chance to get involved. This will be the 15th year that the list has been published and every year it acts as a compass leading wayward man back towards the bosom of masculinity.
Its not our aim to offend anyone for most all men will find themselves guilty of at least a few things listed if not most. We only hope to bring these issues into the social arena and have them weighed in the balance. Without any further adieu, I present you 20 afflictions that men the world over must work to eradicate.
1. Movies based on comic books. The only exception is if you are escorting children to and from the theater.
2. Crossfit workouts. This one was highly contested among all members. Most agreed that if done at a crossfit gym with other crossfitters, there was no harm no foul. Unfortunately the plague is spreading to normal gyms like rabid locusts with six pack abs. It’s time to nip this thing in the bud.
3. Obnoxious headphones. (Looking at you Beats)
4. Earrings. This one makes the list every year and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. There are a few items that are talked about every year even though we know them as a lost cause. Luckily Bluetooth headsets were finally removed thanks to their natural demise over the past few years.
5. The phrase “no worries”. Except when in Australia where it will remain acceptable.
6. Opting for the shampoo and massage at Sports Clips. Just get your haircut and get the fuck out. We got shit to do.
7. Any form of juicing.
8. Pea Coats. Unless you are Navy or Coast Guard.
9. Wearing a dress or high heels for some bullshit cause. No exceptions.
10. Obnoxiously sized smart phones. Get a tablet already!
12. Social media. Particularly Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest. Facebook also made the list.
13. Wearing a professional athletes jersey. Exceptions are made for boyfriends and mothers.
14. Car selfies.
15. Having any involvement in the “I need feminism because..” campaign. This one was universally adopted and approved.
16. Tanning Beds. (see #4)
17. Yoga. Surprisingly, this was another highly debated entry. Many members went on ad nauseam about the thrill of witnessing women’s yoga pants in their natural environ. Some men prattled on endlessly about their spank bank overload that occurs after attending a” hot yoga” session. Moot and disgusting points fellas, it’s on the list.
18. Fantasy Football. This one made its debut on the list four years ago. Every year at the meet up everybody attending is currently playing fantasy football and every year they claim it’s their last season.
19. Video Games. It got really quiet when this one was nominated by some asshole. Nobody wanted to argue the case against it, ergo it makes the list.
20. Using the phrase “I’ve got nothing to hide”. Far better men than we have died for the right to privacy, lets show some respect.
Well there you have it folks, a sample of this year’s list. Being that we are still several weeks from the new year, many of these may not make the final cut. The final list should total 50 things and will be published on new years day. We are taking in any and all suggestions that people may have.
I would like to extend a special thanks to Bruce, George, Magnus, Wolfe, Big Billy, Knuckles, Julius, Prince Humungus, Bonafied and Max Powers. If it were not for you men, strangers to the world as you are, I would have no bearing.