Hill Country Vegetarians Always Start Beef.

Well folks, the Summer of Jim is in full swing and I decided it was time to try some new things. We all know the folly of repeating the same behaviors yet hoping for new results. I knew my diet was in disarray and drastic measures needed to be taken.

After a night of self-reflection, sitting fireside in my den with a bottle of wine and a president, I had a sudden epiphany. I decided that I would spend the next two weeks as a vegetarian. Vegetarians as a rule are a barbarous lot, easily angered and processing a penchant for violence. I knew it was a dangerous endeavor but decided that for my healths sake, it was time to walk that razor’s edge.

This is how I found myself at the Wheatville Farmers market Tuesday morning, arriving long before the sun. My body was still half asleep as I sat in the parking lot reading through my various vegetarian recipes. When traveling in vegetarian circles it’s best to try and blend in. They can smell an imposter among them and they don’t take kindly to fakes. Or as they put it, “To betray the secrets of the Mysteries, to wear on the stage the dress of an Initiate, or to hold the Mysteries up to derision, was to incur death at the hands of public vengeance”.

Before entering the market I decided to hang back and take measure of the locals. Just as the sun began to peak over the horizon, two Chevy Volts entered the parking lot and proceeded to box me in on both sides. I was surrounded by a gang of ruffians the likes of which would send Leroy Brown himself running for cover.

I rolled down my window hoping to make peace with these grass-fed free rangers. Before I could gather my voice, a barrage of half eaten Lara bars began pelting me from all directions. I almost lost an eye to a loose almond that had ricocheted off my front glass. There was no time to dawdle, I jammed the Bu in reverse, laid my foot on the floor and laid rubber all the way back to Pflugerville. I think I’ll stick with eating meat for now, I’m trying to get healthier but not if that means I gotta get my ass kicked.

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6 thoughts on “Hill Country Vegetarians Always Start Beef.

    1. Somebody gave me some safety tips. Maintain eye contact and try to make yourself look bigger by puffing your chest out. Most importantly, resist the urge to turn your back and run. This triggers their attack instinct.

  1. They must have smelled fear in your meat loving heart. Or possibly an empty burger wrapper. Welcome back to the dark side, my carnivorous friend! I may raise chickens, but I’m no veggie… Even chickens prefer meat!

    1. I think I forgot to properly dispose of several Krystal burger wrappers. I was fairly certain those burgers contained little to no actual meat but I was wrong, a costly mistake. Vegetarians are not unlike sharks who can detect a single drop of blood in vast bodies of water.

  2. lol Spooky stuff indeed! I don’t want folks to get the wrong idea here. I love and respect my many vegetarian friends and their healthy lifestyles. I just wish folks would use a few common sense approaches for keeping safe while in vegetarian areas. A simple mixture of Mountain Dew, beef stock and holy water can be poured into a plastic spray bottle and used to keep the violent ones at bay.

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