Did some traveling recently, four flights in three days gave me ample time to evaluate the current airport experience. Overall my experience was quite painless with zero delays and every plane landing safely on time. The good folks of our TSA were kind and professional, never finding need to molest my privates or give me any undue grief. The friendly staff working at Delta Airlines did everything in their power to make my flying experience as enjoyable as possible.
Unfortunately there still remains a few situations in which the law of the jungle has replaced our common courtesy. I would like to list a few of these situations here along with a brief explanation.
Boarding Time Bandits
Most airlines have developed a system of boarding that seems simple and should act as a guide for a seamless boarding process. Boarding Bandits are those assholes from Zone 3 that feel need to clog the boarding lanes with their bodies and piles of shit just as soon as the first zone is called. They’re not trying to board the plane mind you, just positioning themselves strategically to box everyone else out and hijack the lane as soon as their zone is called.
As the confused folks from Zone 2 struggle to break through this human barricade, the Gate Agent then moves on to Zone 3, allowing the Boarder Bandits to complete their coup d’état, successfully boxing out all remaining passengers from Zone 2.
Some might argue “Who gives a shit Jim? You’re gonna get on the plane eventually”. Sounds reasonable until you finally reach your seat only to discover that the Boarder Bandits have hijacked your overhead luggage space, leaving you with no choice but to scavenge desperately for any leftover room.
This search for overhead space leads me to my next airport asshole.
The Premature Ejectulator
We all know this one, that person who immediately jumps to their feet and piles their shit into the aisle instantly upon reaching the gate. This might not seem like a big deal but thanks to the Boarder Bandits, your belongings are now a few feet upstream, behind this new luggage avalanche that has descended into the aisle.
The worst part is, now you look like the asshole as you clog the aisle attempting to summit this assholes luggage in pursuit of your own. Remember folks, if you just give up and let the ejectulators leave the plane first, they win.
The last group of folks that I want to mention include a large variety of different cross terminal obstacles one must try to avoid. There’s the lady who has no problem blocking both lanes of the moving sidewalk. The hordes of people who attempt to stampede onto the Tram before others can get off. The church group, wearing matching t-shirts, who can block an entire walkway while checking the flight screens. The list goes on and on but I will save it for a separate post.
I hope I didn’t come off as some jaded traveler with an axe to grind. I wish each and everyone of you folks a safe and enjoyable traveling season. It is only by working together that we can hope to eliminate some of these unsavory airport habits.