Members of the local Gilead Fire Department were thrilled today to receive a highly anticipated five million dollar FEMA grant. The grant is part of the Obama administration’s latest effort to outfit fire departments nationwide with the tools necessary to perform in the face of modern day threats.
While much of the grant will be used for updating and replacing badly needed equipment, an unprecedented two million dollars has been earmarked for a highly controversial mirror replacement program. Spec Ops Chief Carol Quigley was unavailable for comment but has assured the public that this program will be an invaluable boost to Firefighter moral.
Our investigators were able to interview several department members during a recent training seminar being held at the Smokey Mountain ropes factory. Firefighter Adam Weishaupt explained that over the past ten years the number of spontaneous pose downs had dropped to dangerous new levels and many firefighters were now confused on how to wear their superfluous gear. How do you know if your gear looks cool if you can’t even see yourself in the mirror?
When asked what he thought about the sudden increase in mirrors around the station, FF William Cooper was ecstatic.
“The wall to wall mirrors in the bay give me a great opportunity to observe my biceps during equipment check but the ones they placed inside the bathroom stalls are what’s really making a difference. Now when I have to go, I don’t even bother wearing a t-shirt. I was blown away the first time I saw the separation I could achieve in my delts when bearing down on a mean shit”.
Some critics have warned that blowback from the new program could prove more costly than the initial boosts in moral. City council member and local business owner Peachy Carnahan cited concern that the new mirrors could push egos to dangerous new levels.
“When you put a bunch of Type A folks in the same house for 24hrs at a time, egos are gonna clash. Surround these people with state of the art mirrors that keep them on a pedestal 24/7 and we’re talking Chernobyl.”
Most firefighters we talked to were extremely excited about the new program but some did point out possible flaws. Fire Captain Arthur Koestler was particularly concerned with the lack of new mirrors inside the rigs.
“The time when a mirror is most critical is just before you jump off that unit. When I can’t get that one last look at myself before going to battle then frankly, I feel naked.”
Craig Fugate, head of FEMA or as he calls it “Iron Maiden”, hopes this will be just the beginning of a brand new push for Fire Department readiness.
“There’s only so much money you can put towards purchasing Bearcats for podunk police department before it starts looking ridiculous. It was time for us to find new ways of utilizing tax payer dollars without risking a decrease in budget.”