California Kitchen Nightmare

Well folks, it seems California Pizza kitchen has decided to switch up its packaging in a foolhardy attempt to save a few pennies. I’m guessing they hired some new Ivy league hot shot who is busy trying to leave his or her mark on an already thriving business. What is it about these narcissistic control freaks that they feel the need to shake things up immediately upon arrival?

I must have missed the press releases because this new packaging debacle caught me completely off guard last night. It was about 11:30 and I had just polished off my second snifter of Steel Reserve, placing me squarely in a CPK state of mind and ready for some BBQ chicken pizza. I tore through the packaging like a bear ransacking some campers’ unprotected food stash. I was just about to slap my prize into the microwave when I noticed the necessary pizza “crisping tray” was nowhere to be found.

What in the hell? Was I that drunk, what kind of shit is CPK trying to pull here? I stumbled over to the trashcan and dug the discarded packaging from the trash. After brushing aside some old coffee grounds I glanced down at a set of brand new cooking instructions.

Turns out the cheap bastards at CPK decided that instead of including a crisper, they would leave me with instructions for some absurd arts and crafts project. Do they really expect me to transform the box into a crisper by following a complicated diagram of cuts and folds? I was practically starving and surely in no state of mind to be performing origami miracles with leftover pizza packaging.

This my friends is totally unacceptable. It’s the kind of bullshit I would expect from Totinos pizza but their pies are about 1/4 the price of CPK. That’s because at the end of the day Totinos knows exactly what they are, a microwavable pizza, perfect for last ditch dinners and late night piggin. It seems they have gotten too big for their britches, this shit might fly in California but here in Texas we demand satisfaction.

I consulted with some of their PR folks and was kindly told that they recommend their pizzas be oven baked for optimal taste. Well no shit lady but when it’s damn near midnight and I got half a bag on, I don’t really feel like firing up the oven. I don’t want to bruise any egos here but if I have close to an hour to spend cooking up chow, your 4 dollar microwavable pizza is nowhere on my fucking radar. The gall of these West coast nouveau riche never ceases to amaze me.

I’m sorry for the language folks, I should know better than to write while I’m angry. I was hoping to write a flowery endorsement of CPK’s delicious new BBQ Chicken pizza but unfortunately that praise will have to wait. Being the reasonable man that I am, I plan to revisit this new “do it yourself” crisper contraption with a sober head and a clean slate tomorrow. I’ll keep you posted with any further updates.


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