Just got back from the 2015 post Christmas dads conference, what a hoot. I’d like to thank Lance and Big Billy for their generous hospitality and as always, thanks for the snacks, sorry about the furniture.
The holiday season is a wonderful time for families to get together in confined spaces for extended periods of time, to share their love and get reacquainted with each other’s lives. It is only after these family gatherings have concluded that the brotherhood of fathers gather to discuss “the state of dad”.
We covered so many topics this year and I wish I could write about them all, unfortunately time demands that I stick here to the airing of grievances. Listed below we have a few of my chosen highlights, the complete list will be available in my final report only after the final council approves.
Without further ado, let it be known here and now that it has been agreed upon, sworn to and proclaimed law, that from this day forward, for all current dads and their posterity to come, during Christmas and other mutually observed holidays:
You cannot bitch about what’s on TV unless you are willing and able to commandeer the remote.
It is impossible to direct and advise the proper assembly of toys from across the room or on the couch.
Surround sound is NEVER a bad thing, even if it scares you.
If you have a problem with the music selection, see above.
Don’t like my gift wrapping? Do it yourself.
You want me to take down the Christmas lights? Well that’s sure as shit not how I planned on spending my Spring Break.
Put the food in a serving dish after I cook it you say? Great, now we got 2 sets of dirty dishes for one item.
Sure honey, I’ll try that shirt on for your folks, just let me finish this brandy first.
Of course I still fit in an XL! It’s the perfect gift.
Oh for Christ’s sake Beatrice, I don’t care how young the kid is, I won’t allow that commie bullshit in my house.
And last but not least, When I was his age by golly!!
In closing, I’d like to take a moment to acknowledge some of the dads we lost in 2015.